Shame is a powerful emotion. It lurks in the recesses of our minds, unseen though extraordinarily influential in determining how we chart our course through life. Shame at its root tells us that we are unworthy. It convinces us that we cannot ask and will not receive or deserve what it is our hearts most deeply yearn for. This rooted feeling is what prevents us from speak up for our wants, desires and dreams. Unmanaged, shame holds us back from owning our lives, fulfilling ourselves in vocations and relationships.
But it is important to acknowledge that shame is a learned behavior, and not an instinct. This is grown after several experiences, the way you are brought up culturally, within your family dynamics, societal expectations and personal traumas. The redeeming news is that if it is learned, we can unlearn it. If we can confront the shame behind why this is, understand where it comes from and how it’s tied to masculine oppression, and work at moving away from thinking that way, we can change the tide and start to ask for (and get) what we want.
The Role of Shame in Our Lives
Guilt is not the same as shame. Guilt says I did something bad; shame says I am bad. Shame is rooted much deeper in that, shame is about our character and defects of who we are and the guilt to feel unworthy because of this. It is this inner critic that tells us we are not worthy of something better than the life we have because we are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough or loveable.
It keeps us feeling unworthy and so we content ourselves with less, less joy, less love, less fulfillment. It makes us hesitate from asking for what we desire because and feel that, we are not deserving enough or it might come with a rejection. Shame tells us it is far better to be silent, not make waves or run the risk of being hurt because then you will be vulnerable.
In certain contexts such as relationships, shame may withhold an individual from requesting more appreciation, compassion or even more significant communication. At work, it can prevent someone from ever seeking that promotion or transitioning into another field despite being more than qualified. In real estate shame keeps you from setting limits or stating your preferences so that you feel unseen and unheard in every interaction.
Where Does Shame Come From?
Shame comes from all over. Often, it goes back to a very young age. Some of us may have been criticized or shamed by caregivers as children for expressing our emotions, desires,or needs. We very well could have carried around that we were “so much”, “too needy” or “too high maintenance.” These formative encounters inform our way of believing; telling ourselves that asking for anything is not okay, or that what we desire is irrelevant.
Cultural and societal impact with this(language) is more powerful as well. In a lot society’s you are raised to believe that in order to get loved, respected or even be successful, it has to be “earned”. We are raised to not take up too much space, not ask for too much, lest we be seen as selfish or demanding. Society places these expectations especially on women, with many societal norms including traits such as forgoing individuality and passivity. It results in a lot of people (and women en masse) believing that they’re just not good enough or worthy as themselves but that instead, what makes them valuable is how much can they give, and very little to do with how well they receive.
Personal trauma adds to feelings of shame. For some, these experiences result in the belief that you are unworthy of love, care or happiness and they take on a burden of false cause. Questions also came up such as do they believe that their needs are irrelevant, or worse, an imposition on others.
The Cost of Shame
There is so much effort required to go on living under the weight of shame. But when shame shows up and tells us to keep quiet, we shrink ourselves into smaller versions of who we really are. What Shame can result inShame, on the other hand, has a multitude of unwanted outcomes that include.
- Low self-worth: it is impossible to develop a healthy self-image when we think we are not good enough. This leads Health And Fitness Flow self-doubt in ourselves and our competencies.
- Unhealthy relationships: One of the common unhealthy relationship patterns arising from shame are rescuer/victim dynamics. It could manifest as unhealthy relationships where we allow our partners to use or abuse us, getting into a pattern of them always needing resources from us and not receiving the same in return.
- Unrealized destiny: Shame keeps us playing small. It tells us to stay in our lane, be reasonable, that we are not as gifted or worthy as those who chase their dreams. Consequently, we may find that we shy away from risk or the pursuit of opportunity, which could ultimately bring us greater joy.
- A life of chronic dissatisfaction: for you will often never receive what you do not ask for. Therefore, the majority of us walk around feeling unsatisfied, incomplete and exposing our lives to situations that do not lead to a higher path.
Breaking Free from Shame
Shame shedding is not an easy undertaking, but it is certainly feasible. What you can do to start breaking down the shame that has kept you stuck, inspired by Coleman’s 8 Rules are:
- Recognize Your Shame: The first step in eliminating shame is being able to acknowledge your own personal shame. Listen to when you stop yourself from wanting something or needing something. What do you think stops you or scares you? You bring light to these thoughts and begin the process of healing.
- Trace the Origin: After you accept your shame, begin tracing where it stems from. Is this something that was the result of certain experiences you had in childhood? Or affected by cultural or societal conditioning? When you know where your shame is born from, you can get some distance on it — and see that your shame is not who you are; rather, it’s only how you’ve been taught to think of yourself.
- Challenge Shame-Based Beliefs: Begin to bring your shame out of the darkness by questioning if the beliefs built on them even true. Similarly, ask yourself: Are they really true “I don´t deserve to be happy/successful…”? “Am I selfish for needing… anything?” Most of the time, you might also realize that these beliefs collapse like a house made of cards under questioning. As you dispute such thoughts, they begin to lose their hold on you.
- Show Yourself Some Love: Refrain from berating yourself through this shame struggle and have a bit of compassion for the journey. Realize that we all make mistakes, have shortcomings and a time of vulnerability. You are not less than this. Give yourself the same compassion and understanding that you would give a good friend.
- Ease into Sharing What You Want: Request small items to get started. This can be as minor as voicing your opinion with mundane things such as picking the restaurant, the movie or whatever. Over time, you can start to ask for more important things, in your personal life or in business, once you build up a track record of delivering.
- Get Help: Transforming shame into growth can be a difficult journey, you do not have to walk alone. Therapists, and/or counselors may give more ghetto solution to this problem. At All in the Family Counselling, we want to help you break free from limiting beliefs to step into your potential.
Embrace Your Worth
Now is the time to step into your life in a real way and stop letting shame control how it plays out. You deserve love, money, happiness, and fulfilment. Once you identify and remove the shame, you can better invite and then allow yourself to receive what it is that you really desire. No, remember, you are worthiness does not need to be earned; it is in you. Just start living it like you believe that.